"Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep, really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough."
"Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation.
Depression is humiliating.
If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too.
Depression is humiliating.
No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged."
"Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final."
but so nauseous that I’ll have to wait like 30+ minutes to refuel.
Today’s workout had me dripping in sweat and practically shaking by the end! But it was good. We started off by finding a 3RM in 7 mins for overhead squat which went pretty well for me. The guy leading the class saw me snatch the weight overhead and was like, “YOU AIN’T NO BEGINNAH— how long u been doin that” so that was kewl I guess. He took a video of me snatching an ~impressive~ 35lbs during my warm-up (lol, the best I can do is maybe 55lbs right now. It’s hard!) so I might be able to post that later.
After that we did a 1km row, 50 thrusters (basically, you clean the weight up to start, front squat, and then from there stand up and do a push press, repeat), and 30 pull-ups for time. Went way too hard on the rowing part, pooped out and only could do 25 thrusters (15 at 45lbs, 10 at 40lbs), and I finished the 30 pull-ups with a thick ass band. Damn it was tiring.
Note to self: PACE YOURSELF
I think I’m going to start off with four days a week but not two days back to back, rest, two days back to back. My body needs more time to recover now that it’s been so long that I’ve consistently gone in for training (there was one point that I was going in twice a day…hell no that is not happening soon).
So basically: Monday, rest, Wednesday, rest, Friday, rest, Sunday and so on.
Need to relearn how to gorge myself & get insane sleep again. 8 hours is best for optimal training (for me). Yayyyy yay yay
Ready to seriously dedicate myself to fitness again.
Which means I’m ready to push myself until I have nothing left. It’s time to become the person I’ve always wanted to become— strong on the inside and on the outside. Someone who gives it their all.
I’m tired of my own excuses and being disappointed in my choices. I want to be proud of my dedication, hard work, and determination again.